Koleksi Lawak

[Mr TR 0]

Mahasiswi psikologi

Seorang gadis, hitam manis, duduk di sebuah restoran di sebuah hotel.....

"Apa kabar dik?, boleh saya belanja anda minum?", tawar seorang lelaki muda yang menghampirinya.

"Apa? masuk ke hotel?" teriak si gadis.

"Bukan, bukan. Jangan salah faham. Saya hanya offer nak belanja minuman......" jawab pemuda itu.

"Abang meminta saya menemanimu ke hotel?" teriak si gadis dengan sangat kuat hingga ramai pengunjung lain mendengar. Merasa ditolak, dengan perasaan malu, lelaki muda itu beringsut dan duduk di sudut ruangan. Semua orang di restoran menatap lelaki itu dengan sinis dan mencebik.

Beberapa minit kemudian, si gadis menghampiri si lelaki muda itu. "Maafkan saya bang. Saya sedang menyamar. Sebenarnya, saya adalah seorang mahasiswi psikologi yang sedang mempelajari tingkah laku manusia di situasi yang tidak dikehendakinya." gadis itu cuba menerangkan. Si laki-laki menatap dengan dingin. Kemudian berteriak dengan amat kerasnya,

Lalu lelaki itu menjawab dengan kuat "Berapa? Lima ratus ringgit, yang putih melepak pun hanya Rm 100.00 je!!! ?"

Semua org dalam restoran itupun memandang gadis itu sambil menggelengkan kepala dan lebih mencebik sinis.

[Eman Leto 0]

Mr TR wrote:rasanya cite nie blom ada kt thread nie lg...

Spoiler:

Selamat Pengantin Baru



Suasana masih riuh di luar. Sanak saudara semuanya berkampung disini. Gelak ketawa, gurau senda jelas kedengaran. Aku memimpin isteriku ke dalam bilik pengantin. Suara-suara sumbang terlalu banyak yang menegurku.

"Hai, malam masih muda, dah nak masuk tidur?" sapa Pak Ucu.

"Orang muda bang Aji, biarlah. Air dah penuh kat kepala tu." sahut Pak Tam disambut hilai ketawa sanak saudara yang lain. Meriah sungguh keadaan diluar walau jam sudah menunjukkan pukul 11.00 malam.

Hadiah yang masih belum dibuka ku susun ke tepi. Lampu ku tutup. Merebah diri ke katil pengantin, aku menoleh ke arah isteriku.

"Kita tidur dulu lah yer. Ramai sangat orang kat luar tu." Isteriku hanya mengangguk tanda setuju.

Entah pukul berapa sekarang, aku pun tidak tahu. Keadaan di luar gelap gelita dan senyap sunyi. Tanda sanak saudaraku telah pulang dan keluargaku telah tidur.

Jari jemariku lembut membelai rambutnya. Ku selak rambut ikal yang menutupi telinganya lalu membisikkan "Assalammualaikum!" ke telinganya untuk menguji isteriku.

"Wa alaikummussalam." Rupanya isteriku masih belum tidur.

Ku kucup pipi halusnya. Ku kucup dahinya yang mulus. Semerbak harumnya menusuk deria bauku. Akanku tunaikan tanggungjawabku sebagai suami malam ini. Jari-jemari ini terus membelai tubuhnya. Perasaanku tidak dapat dikawal lagi, namun...

"Kringggggg...."

"Tik..tik..tik..tik..."

"Kring.. kring..kring.."

Bunyi-bunyi jam loceng entah dari mana memenuhi ruang bilikku. Terkejut dengan segala macam bunyi yang ada, aku membuka lampu. Serentak itu, terang benderang seluruh rumahku. Bunyi-bunyi ini telah berjaya membangunkan semua orang di rumahku.

Aku mencari-cari punca bunyi-bunyi itu. Mataku terarah ke sekotak hadiah yang masih terbalut rapi. Aku buka dengan pantas dan di dalamnya terdapat 5 buah jam loceng. Juga sekeping kad berbunyi...



Selamat Pengantin Baru, Jangan gopoh-gopoh. Baru Pukul 2 pagi. Jangan maree.. kami potong stim. Ikhlas dari : Class of 92/93, SMKAS.

Dalam hatiku.. cilaka punya kengkawan. Potong stim betullah.

[kindaichi_hajime 6]

erk?
ble nyer tu citer aku?

[teri-chan 5]

kindaichi_hajime wrote:erk?
ble nyer tu citer aku?

bukan cite ko ke? sapa eh yg cerita dia bg jam loceng hadiah perkahwinan kawan dia

[teri-chan 5]

oh... lupa nk tmbh.. cerita kelakar aku ari ni...


aku n the gang g mkn kat terminal cyberjaya.. dlm tgh2 mkn n borak2 tu tetibe kwn aku Si A (bukan nama sebenar) bertanya kan kat member aku ni lelaki la... dia tanya "Amir, kalu ko, nk pkai tak seluar mcm tu?"

aku ni tgh mkn aku tanya la member aku... "Seluar apa?"

kawan aku ni A pun ckp "pandang depan" aku pun pandang la depan...aku tgk makcik pkai suar pjg kaler itam.. aku kata ok je seluar dia.

member aku kata "depan aku la..." aku pun pandang la belakang sbb A ni mengadap aku... apa yg aku nmpk ialah...

lelaki yg sedang duduk dibelah kananku dengan seluar jeansnya yg tersingkap hingga setengah punggungnya n menampakkan seluar boxer bercorakkan CHERRY!!

ya aku ulangi... lelaki yg sedang duduk ngn machonya smbil menghisap rokok memakai seluar boxer bercorakkan cherry haahahha!!! aku leh gelak smpai nk tercekik nasi hahaha.. even skang aku sedang menaip cerita ni pun aku tergelak sbb aku tak dpt lupakan seluar cherry dia tu hahah!!!

apara.. muka ensem suar dalam corak cherry... awek lawa lak tu hahahah!!! nasib bek cherry.. kalu spongebob aku gilek lg kuat kot hahaha!!!

hohoho.. so funny...

so guys.. kalu nk bergaya sgt jgn la pkai seluar smpai nk tertanggal suar tu.. n make sure brand suar dalam tu mahal hahahha!!!

[MalaYneuMaya 4]

assalamualaikum...

ma'aih malunya.. ::icon_lol::

[no1 12]

wahahaha.. malu giler kalo control macho habis tp kantoi sluar dlm ..


The Break In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.


“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!“

[Mr TR 0]

huhuhu
lps nie kena hati2 la...
seb baik aku x minat pakai suar jns londeh2 nie...
hehe

[Mr TR 0]

Gigi Palsu Mah
Ader pasangan yang dah berumur, kira dah tua la... anak2 semuer dah besar2.. masuk universiti..kata orang tinggal berdua jer la.. honeymoon hehehehe... Satu malam tu... dok la pasangan nie tadi menonton tv.... dok syok tengok tv...tup ..tup ..si suami nie kata la kat isteri dia....
"Mah,mah..... " kata si suami...
"Ya bang," lembut jer jawab siisteri...
"anak2 semua dah besar... semua dah tak duduk ngan kita, kan Mah?"
"Kenaper plak, bang. abang rindu kat diorang plak ker?"
"Tak der la Mah, " ujar si suami
"Dah tu...kenaper plak bang?".. isteri menanya. .heran gak...kot...
"Tak ... abang teringat maser kita muda2 dulu.... mah suka gigit telinga abang, kan...
""Cuba Mah gigit skit..abang nak raser..lamer dah Mah tak buat camtu..."
Mendengar saja kata2 si suami tu tadi... maka berlari la si isterinya tadi kedlm bilik....
"Mah..kenaper Mah?" "Mah tak sayang abang ker Mah?" soal si suami...
siisteri didalam bilik tadi tak menjawab...agak lama lepas tu.. si suami memanggil
" Mah...ooo..Mah.. dah la tu.. jangan la merajuk...meh la kita tengok tv nie... tak per la..Mah tak nak gigit pun tak per la...keluar la Mah, Mah marah ker Mah?"
si suami risau takut menyinggung perasaan isteri kesayangannyer itu...
"Tak bang, Mah tak marah"..jawab si isteri dari dlm bilik...
" Dah tu, kenaper Mah dok dlm bilik tu..Meh la kita tengok tv nie..." kata si suami..

Jeng..jeng...jeng... nak tau aper kata si isteri............?




Mah tengah cari gigi palsu, bang!"

[zirbad 1]

Mr TR wrote:Gigi Palsu Mah
Ader pasangan yang dah berumur, kira dah tua la... anak2 semuer dah besar2.. masuk universiti..kata orang tinggal berdua jer la.. honeymoon hehehehe... Satu malam tu... dok la pasangan nie tadi menonton tv.... dok syok tengok tv...tup ..tup ..si suami nie kata la kat isteri dia....
"Mah,mah..... " kata si suami...
"Ya bang," lembut jer jawab siisteri...
"anak2 semua dah besar... semua dah tak duduk ngan kita, kan Mah?"
"Kenaper plak, bang. abang rindu kat diorang plak ker?"
"Tak der la Mah, " ujar si suami
"Dah tu...kenaper plak bang?".. isteri menanya. .heran gak...kot...
"Tak ... abang teringat maser kita muda2 dulu.... mah suka gigit telinga abang, kan...
""Cuba Mah gigit skit..abang nak raser..lamer dah Mah tak buat camtu..."
Mendengar saja kata2 si suami tu tadi... maka berlari la si isterinya tadi kedlm bilik....
"Mah..kenaper Mah?" "Mah tak sayang abang ker Mah?" soal si suami...
siisteri didalam bilik tadi tak menjawab...agak lama lepas tu.. si suami memanggil
" Mah...ooo..Mah.. dah la tu.. jangan la merajuk...meh la kita tengok tv nie... tak per la..Mah tak nak gigit pun tak per la...keluar la Mah, Mah marah ker Mah?"
si suami risau takut menyinggung perasaan isteri kesayangannyer itu...
"Tak bang, Mah tak marah"..jawab si isteri dari dlm bilik...
" Dah tu, kenaper Mah dok dlm bilik tu..Meh la kita tengok tv nie..." kata si suami..

Jeng..jeng...jeng... nak tau aper kata si isteri............?




Mah tengah cari gigi palsu, bang!"

Hahaha...aku pernah baca lawak ni,tapi versi lain,tapi ending dia sama.

[ztecon 5]

teri-chan wrote:oh... lupa nk tmbh.. cerita kelakar aku ari ni...


aku n the gang g mkn kat terminal cyberjaya.. dlm tgh2 mkn n borak2 tu tetibe kwn aku Si A (bukan nama sebenar) bertanya kan kat member aku ni lelaki la... dia tanya "Amir, kalu ko, nk pkai tak seluar mcm tu?"

aku ni tgh mkn aku tanya la member aku... "Seluar apa?"

kawan aku ni A pun ckp "pandang depan" aku pun pandang la depan...aku tgk makcik pkai suar pjg kaler itam.. aku kata ok je seluar dia.

member aku kata "depan aku la..." aku pun pandang la belakang sbb A ni mengadap aku... apa yg aku nmpk ialah...

lelaki yg sedang duduk dibelah kananku dengan seluar jeansnya yg tersingkap hingga setengah punggungnya n menampakkan seluar boxer bercorakkan CHERRY!!


assalammmualaikum...

isshhh..ciat pasal suar dalam lak....
ya aku ulangi... lelaki yg sedang duduk ngn machonya smbil menghisap rokok memakai seluar boxer bercorakkan cherry haahahha!!! aku leh gelak smpai nk tercekik nasi hahaha.. even skang aku sedang menaip cerita ni pun aku tergelak sbb aku tak dpt lupakan seluar cherry dia tu hahah!!!

apara.. muka ensem suar dalam corak cherry... awek lawa lak tu hahahah!!! nasib bek cherry.. kalu spongebob aku gilek lg kuat kot hahaha!!!

hohoho.. so funny...

so guys.. kalu nk bergaya sgt jgn la pkai seluar smpai nk tertanggal suar tu.. n make sure brand suar dalam tu mahal hahahha!!!

assalammmualaikum...

ishhh cite pasal suar dalam lak...

::icon_mad::

[TOYSЯUS 62]

@teri-chan
Mesti seluar cherry dia macam ni kan:

Spoiler:

[raidizh AR 34]

kalo ak cakap mungkin agak pelik

tp kalo ak ngn klasmet g trip, kn kdg2 ad gak g tp pntai

ak tgk member2 ak ade je pkai boxer pelik2

n teri..spongebob pn ade...heheheh...ak xmemain

[MalaYneuMaya 4]

assalamualaikum...

dah la..boxer pon nak dibincang sgt...siol la 11's..rajin plak dia search menatang tu ::icon_lol::

[raidizh AR 34]

while out golfing one day, a young couple watched in horror as a stray shot crashed through the window of a nearby house. rushing up, they saw a handsome man in turban.

"we're terribly sorry!" the husband said

"we'll pay for the damage,". the wife added

"not at all," replied the man. "i'm a genie, trapped for a thousand years until your golf ball came through the window and broke the bottle that was my prison. please allow me to grant whatever you wish.

the atonished couple asked to become scratch golfers. "it is done!" cried the genie, snapping his fingers. then they asked to become rich. clapping his hands, the genie said, "i have set up a standing order to put $100,000 into your account every month for life."

"how can we ever thank you?" said the husband.

"there is one thing," replied the genie. " i have been improsoned for a thousand years and i have forgotten what it is like to hold a woman in my arms. if you could spare your beautiful wife for a single night...". the husband and wife decided they could live with this.

after a night of passion, the young wife was about to rejoin her husband when the genie asked her age. "twenty-nine," she replied.

"i see," he said, "and you still believe in genies?"

-contributed by isaac brown-readers digest-

[raidizh AR 34]

three friends arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. as part of their orientation to heaven, st. peter asks what kind of remarks they would like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

"i would like to hear them say i was a great doctor and a good family man," swaid the first.

"i would like to hear that i was a wonderful husband and that, during my career as a schoolteacher, i made a difference in many lives," chimed in the second fellow.

"those both sound terrific." replied the third, "but i'd like to hear them say, 'look! he's moving!!'"

-contributed by pat patel-readers digest-

[no1 12]

TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[no1 12]

Free Fridge

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

“Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

“Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it!




(sumber: rembat kt mane2)

[MalaYneuMaya 4]

assalamualaikum...

Spoiler:

while out golfing one day, a young couple watched in horror as a stray shot crashed through the window of a nearby house. rushing up, they saw a handsome man in turban.

"we're terribly sorry!" the husband said

"we'll pay for the damage,". the wife added

"not at all," replied the man. "i'm a genie, trapped for a thousand years until your golf ball came through the window and broke the bottle that was my prison. please allow me to grant whatever you wish.

the atonished couple asked to become scratch golfers. "it is done!" cried the genie, snapping his fingers. then they asked to become rich. clapping his hands, the genie said, "i have set up a standing order to put $100,000 into your account every month for life."

"how can we ever thank you?" said the husband.

"there is one thing," replied the genie. " i have been improsoned for a thousand years and i have forgotten what it is like to hold a woman in my arms. if you could spare your beautiful wife for a single night...". the husband and wife decided they could live with this.

after a night of passion, the young wife was about to rejoin her husband when the genie asked her age. "twenty-nine," she replied.

"i see," he said, "and you still believe in genies?"

laa..senangnya kena kelentong bini dia..

Spoiler:

three friends arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. as part of their orientation to heaven, st. peter asks what kind of remarks they would like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

"i would like to hear them say i was a great doctor and a good family man," swaid the first.

"i would like to hear that i was a wonderful husband and that, during my career as a schoolteacher, i made a difference in many lives," chimed in the second fellow.

"those both sound terrific." replied the third, "but i'd like to hear them say, 'look! he's moving!!'"

haha betul jugak tu...nak idop balik..

Spoiler:

TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

salah seniri..dah tu bodoh pulak ::icon_lol::

Spoiler:

Free Fridge

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

“Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

“Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it!

bijak2..pemalas betul...campak je la mana2...

[teri-chan 5]

??????????? wrote:@teri-chan
Mesti seluar cherry dia macam ni kan:

Spoiler:

haahha!!! yelah!!! samalah!!!

[kindaichi_hajime 6]

hahaha..
boxer pn bleh jd topic hangat ke...
hehehe

[teri-chan 5]

hahahha sape suh dia tayang kat org pastu siap dok macho pulak tu.. ptt dia malu... pkai suar londeh2 ni takde bagusnya.

[TOYSЯUS 62]

Confirm teri pasni takde selera nak makan kek yang ade cherry..!! Hahaha.

[teri-chan 5]

hahaha ceh!! hahaha


Anak siapa??

Suzy menyampaikan hasrat hatinya kepada bapanya untuk berkahwin dengan
Robert, Jejaka pilihannya yang juga adalah jiran dan teman sepermainannya sejak
kecil lagi.
Suzy :Ayah, Robert melamar saya. Kami mahu berkahwin.
Ayah :Apa? Tidak boleh! Kamu boleh berkahwin dengan sesiapa saja kecuali
Robert.
Suzy:Tapi mengapa?
Ayah : (Separuh berbisik) Kerana Robert sebenarnya adalah abangmu.Tapi,
jangan beritahu ibumu ye! Terkejut dengan jawapan itu,suzy pergi pula
kepada ibunya.
Suzy :Ibu, Ayah melarang saya berkahwin dengan Robert.
Ibu :Tak usah dengar cakap ayah kamu tu. Kamu boleh kahwin dengan sesiapa
yang kamu suka termasuk Robert.
Suzi :Tapi kata ayah, Robert itu abang saya.Adik beradik kan tak boleh
kahwin.
Ibu : (Separuh berbisik) Hmmm....Ayah kamu pun tak tahu kamu bukan
anaknya.
Suzy :Ha!!??!!

[no1 12]

Lupa Nama Isteri

Satu hari Ahmad melawat rumah sepupunya yang baru berkahwin bernama Yop dan bercadang untuk tinggal semalaman di rumah Yop.
Yop : Sayang, sediakan minuman untuk sepupu abang nie.
Isteri : Baik, bang.Kemudian, tiba pula waktu makan malam.
Yop : Intan payung, sediakan makan malam untuk sepupu abang nie sekali yek.
Isteri : Baik, bang.
Selepas larut malam, Yop memanggil isterinya lagi.
Yop : Adindaku, sediakan bilik tetamu untuk sepupu abang nie tidur.
Isteri : Baik, bang.
Isteri pun berlalu pergi.
Ahmad : Iskh, romantiknyer korang nie yek. adinda la, sayang la, Intan payung la... ..
Yop : Eh, takder la. Aku lupa nama bini aku jer.