Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
no1

Koleksi Lawak

Recommended Posts

ak copy n paste..

COST CUTTING...!!!

EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee
involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!


We are expected to perform twice our potential,
while cutting costs
to half......

This is the future performer ???

Height of cost cutting


"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old" - Will Rogers

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
Kali Arung - Sekaligus
Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
Punoh Jahne - Rosak
Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
Kelecak - Terpelanting
Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
Maknga - Cuai
Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
Koghok - Tengkorak
Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
Puahsang - Boring
Meppeh - Tak Larat
Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
koho/selo - perlahan/slow
kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
blana kokna - banyak yang amat
samah - 50 sen
duo amah -singgit
kekoh -gigit
blago -berlanggar
mokte- rambutan
woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
ccongek -tejungkit
kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
woh tteghe-buah gajus
nnetting- melantun
manih letting -manis yg amat
pok-e-dèng -pepatung


pembetulan sikit farah... hehehhe..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bahasa Kelantan

Ada cerita di sebuah sekolah rendah
di luar Kelate yg guru besarnya orang Kelate. Satu
hari budak-budak ternampak ular. Jadi kata
cikgu,"cepat-cepat lah katok". Budak-budak pun
heran dan jawab balik, "bukan katak cikgu, tapi
ular."
Hmmmm konpius... Katok =pukul, balun, hentam

Vocabulary :
Bokbong - spesis musang
Ttuyup - pepatung
Pok Kor - spesis mengkarung
Ike Kkhonge - ikan cencaru
Gelenyar,Gletah = mengenyam, getik
Absorber = saksoba
Supik Gelenyar - plastik bag (yang nipis tu.)
Buah Topoh = buah epal (diambil dr perkataan Arab
"tuffah" = epal)
Gaduh, bbaloh = kelahi
Ggaduh = nak cepat (double `G' means sabdu)
Saka = gula (sekarang sudah jarang digunakan
olehgenerasi baru)
Bekwoh = kenduri (mungkin berasal dari big work)
Tohok = buang
Ghohok = susah, payah
SIAK DUK GGOBAR = Jangan risau.. Don't worry,
be happy!!!
WAK GGOGHI = Bagi memulakan sesuatu.. to
start with.
DEKPONG GAK EH = Kalau ya pun
Jjughuh = baik (jjughuh budok tu = baik budak tu)
Kelaghing = kesat/not smooth (kulit kelaghing =
skin not smooth enough)

Kelantan + English?? = "Kelantalish"
Contoh:
POZEK (deposit),
RIZAT (1.result 2. reserved),
NNEJA (manager),
ISTEK (estate),
SUWIH (switch),
MERKET (market), dll...
Kata penguat dlm bahaso Klate pun boleh tahan
menarik:
manis LLETING
masin PPEGHAK
pahit LLEPE
mase PPUGHIK
tawar EBER
putih SSEPO
hite LLEGE
biru KKETU
kuning NNEHE
kenye BBONYAH
comel LLOTE
gemuk DDEBOK
busuk BANGA
hapok KOHONG

Ada beberapa "bunga bahasa" dalam loghat
kelantanyang unik..
Antaranya:
YAK = lebih kurang "opocot!!!" atau "oops!!"
DEH? = memohon restu atau persetujuan...lebih
kurang "OK?",
GAK = lebih kurang "habis tu.." atau "so.."
PAH? = lebih kurang "GAK"
HO(bunyi naik ke hidung sikit ) = "ya lah.." atau
"yes"
DOCK? = lebih kurang "bukan?", "betul tak?" atau
"isn't it?"

Seperkara lagi, ada diantara perkataan dalam
penggunaan biasa loghat Kelantan di anggap
tak manis didengar pengertiannya di dalam loghat
tempat lain...
Yang popular digunakan antaranya:

CEBOCK : kita maksudkan 'cedok', selalunya
untuk cecair, mencedok air. Banyak tempat
sebelah pantai barat membawa maksud "basuh
b***k" (istinja).
PPATAK : kita maksudkan 'paling bawah'.
Mencarut bagi mereka...
TTINO : kita maksudkan 'perempuan' tapi bila sebut
BETINA, ramai yang marah.(begitu juga JATE...)
AIR TUAK : kita minum di bulan puasa, buat
berbuka!!! Bagi orang luar, TUAK adalah Haram
(sama taraf dengan TODI & ARAK...)Yang fresh &
manis tu dipanggil NIRA.
NNATE : kadangkala "simbol" kemesraan antara
kawan...cuba direct translate jadi BINATANG...
Boleh bergaduh nanti...
SUKU SAKAT : bagi kita,bermaksud "tidak kena
mengena", bagi org KL, ia bermaksud "kaum
kerabat"

contradict betul!!! heiyerrrr...

Biasanya perkataan yang berakhir dengan
`an','am','ang' diganti dengan `e'.
cth : Jangan=jange
Lengan=lenge
Geran=gere,
Pisang=pise
Malam=male

Akhir sekali, peranan "SABDU" dalam loghat
Kelantan. Begitu besar dan boleh membezakan
langit dengan bumi.

Sekadar contoh,
Tanpa 'sabdu' orang boleh patah gigi kerana
MAKAN KANTIN, sepatutnya disebut MAKE
KKETENG (eating at the canteen)!!!
Atau salah faham antara TAK PAKAI (not wearing)
dengan TOK PPAKA (useless).
Atau keliru diantara KECEK(tipu) dengan KKECEK
(bercakap)



so itula tutorial kite ttg bhs kelantan... sekian time
kaseyy...

p/s: gomo kelate gomo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
Kali Arung - Sekaligus
Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
Punoh Jahne - Rosak
Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
Kelecak - Terpelanting
Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
Maknga - Cuai
Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
Koghok - Tengkorak
Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
Puahsang - Boring
Meppeh - Tak Larat
Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
koho/selo - perlahan/slow
kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
blana kokna - banyak yang amat
samah - 50 sen
duo amah -singgit
kekoh -gigit
blago -berlanggar
mokte- rambutan
woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
ccongek -tejungkit
kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
woh tteghe-buah gajus
nnetting- melantun
manih letting -manis yg amat
pok-e-dèng atau tuyyut -pepatung


Tambahan sket..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aik? aku rasa silap ni.. kalu tang bahasa ni kene bukak topik baru blaja bahasa daerah...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
a ah..tu la...

bukak la topik baru blaja bahase klate...

teri~

lawak btul lawak ko tu...hahahaha ::icon_lol::

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Isk Isk..bahasa loghat kampung aku dikategorikan lawak ke? = ="
sungguh lawak la korang nih..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
teri-chan wrote:gangster...

Sebuah kumpulan gangster menghadapi masalah untuk mengutip wang perlindungan
dari peniaga. Ini kerana pihak polis sering membuat intipan dan tangkapan.
Ketuanya mengambil seorang bisu untuk mengutip wang tersebut. Pada pendapatnya,
tentulah polis sukar untuk menyoal siasat si bisu tersebut.

Maka si bisu pun mula mengutip wang dan berjaya memperolehi RM50,000.
Walaubagaimana pun, dia menyembunyikan wang tersebut di suatu tempat rahsia.
Maka pada hari yang telah ditetapkan, ketua gangster mengarahkan orang-orangnya
memanggil si bisu. Apabila dipanggil, si bisu itu berpura-pura tidak dapat berkomunikasi
dengan mereka. Lalu mereka pergi berjumpa dengan seorang pakar bahasa isyarat.

Gangster : Mana wang tu?

Pakar menunjukkan isyarat kepada si bisu...
Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat untuk "Aku tak tahu apa yang mereka katakan."

Pakar bahasa isyarat memberitahu gangster tersebut. Dan gangster tersebut menghalakan
pistol ke arah kepala si bisu.

Gangster : Aku akan tembak kepala kau, bisu...

Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat "Duit RM50,000 tu aku telah sembunyikan di taman permainan
di bawah kerusi yang ketiga dari pintu masuk."

Pakar bahasa pun berkata kepada ketua gangster, "Dia tidak tahu dimana wang itu dan kalau kau nak tembak-tembaklah..."


pergh...jahat gk pakar bahasa nie....
sian si bisu tu...
huhuhu

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
meh sambung2 cite lawak lg.... aku dh takde idea nk letak cite lawak hehehe...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.



Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: ::icon_sad::

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I

try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed

it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Tech Support: ::icon_mad::

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

Tech support: ::icon_sad::

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer : Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aik? IT sahaja kah? lawak english yg lain tak boleh?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
assalamualaikum...

bwahaha..klua air mata aku..cant find printer tu yg sadis tu..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lawak IT ni sbnrnye luas cik teri..Lagipon rare lawak mengenai IT nih..so lets sharing ::icon_razz::

Spoiler:
WINDOZE QUOTES

• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."
Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Spoiler:
Some Conversation With Tech Support

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Spoiler:
WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
assalamualaikum...

haha ye tapi kita kena paham jugak yg lawak ni difahami oleh org2 sekepala IT saja..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.


Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."


teringat aku sewaktu member aku mengajar orang orang kampung yg buta IT,
apa bile disuruh "press any key" jenuh lah sorang pakcik nie tercari cari..
apabila ditanya, dia kata: "tuan, tak jumpa pun any key nye tuan..."
::icon_razz::

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.


Good Luck,
IT Support

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoL sh4m, watla satu thread collection instead of 1 scenario in 1 thread..Ske wat Flooding ek? Anyway nice story..haha

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hie3.. saje je.. leh la ramai2 reply post.. hie3..

sebenarnya aku jumpa artikel ni.. so trus aku post.. malas nak simpan/kumpul... ::icon_smile::

nnt aku wat 1 thread full of lawak.. hiehiehie...

p/s:senyum dapat pahala lg nampak muda..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...